


agony of death and birth

by femmebots



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Experimental Style, Other, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-06 12:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3134510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/femmebots/pseuds/femmebots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are all pride and duty, and there is no room in you for the pursuit of happiness. [Or, Regulus in the cave.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	agony of death and birth

_To the Dark Lord_ —  
_I know I will be dead long before you read this, but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret.  
_  

The first drink goes down sharp, sitting in your stomach like glass. The second is worse, foul and green like _avada kedavra_ and a flash of light and laughter, and by the third you’re doubled over with fire under your skin. The boat rocks on the water every time you move. You’re afraid you might vomit and wonder if that will mean you have to start all over.

Kreacher brings the cup again. Shut your eyes, take it.

   The dark mark lies coiled on your left forearm waiting to strike and Sirius is yelling— _you idiot_ he shouts _what the fuck did you do, I never should have left you with them, I’ll kill them_ — and even now he blames your family, your parents and cousin bella and the rest, as if they corrupted you, as if you weren’t crooked from the day you were born. you tell him it was your own choice (somebody had to do it. You have always been the good son) and _how could I choose you when you weren’t there?_

you can feel him break a little and you almost wish you hadn’t said it. then he’s grabbing your wrist crushing his fingers into it like he’s trying to scrub the mark from your skin. he won’t look at you. your arm smarts and when you start to laugh he tells you to shut up. but the laughter keeps spilling out, sick and wild, because in spite of everything, he still pretends he can save you.

      (and you are cruel, because you love him for it.)

The cup is at your lips, you drink. The cave is cold and dark. dark, dark. we all go into the dark—

   you’re fifteen years old lying awake because through the wall, you heard your brother pacing. now you hear nothing but your heartbeat pounding in your ears, until there comes the familiar rhythm of his feet on the landing. a knock on your door. and in the silent moment after, you feel as if this entire house might crumble around you, all the wood and wallpaper peel from its rotten bones, leaving nothing but stinking ash. if you were selfish (if you were _brave_ ) you would open it. but you are all pride and duty, and there is no room in you for the pursuit of happiness.

the worst part is this: you could make him stay. you can’t go with him — the threads of you are woven into this house like your name is woven in gold on the family tree — but you could make him stay. (he can’t deny you anything, you know. even your mother used to say so.) and if you were selfish, you would open the door and say _Don’t leave_ , say _Please I need you don’t go,_ because james potter is his brother but so are you, and Sirius has always been weak for his brothers.

instead you lie there, still as a corpse, until you hear his footsteps receding, and you are alone again in the dark the house is so dark he takes all the light with him when he goes

        —another cup, stinging nettles in your mouth, swallow,

Loud now it’s so loud somebody is screaming who is it? you think the little girl. it can’t be the mother or the father because they’re already dead, silly. she’s so small, the girl— and she’ll never grow any bigger, will she? she’ll never have the chance. you hesitate, a moment too long. bellatrix and rodolphus are here, and cissy’s husband lucius — always your favorite cousin narcissa was— and everyone is looking at you, watching, waiting, _go on regulus you’re one of us aren’t you now do it now_

girl is screaming your head hurts make her stop all eyes on you so do your duty little king with shaking hands and a hollow whisper and a burst of green light she crumples like parchment but you still hear the screaming the others are laughing and you see the body tiny and lifeless your hands won’t stop shaking and inside you are dark dark dark and you want out you want Sirius,

and there is no Sirius. there is no girl. there is no one here but kreacher. You’re the one who is screaming.

Bit  
  by  
    bit  
      delirium loosens its hold. Here to take its place is a thirst that grows until you are sure your tongue will turn to dust. In a rattling cough you tell Kreacher to switch the lockets; the false one clatters against the empty basin and echoes through the cave. You rest your head against the boat, its prow glowing faintly green through the strands of your hair— your mother has been saying lately that you need a haircut. Kreacher is at your side now, calling your name in a creaky wail.

 _you can’t tell them what happened_ you say to him, _you have to promise me_ , because with you, this is how it always ends: duty outweighing pride. Your mouth is dry. _Go home_ , you say, _destroy it, go_ , and did you ever really think you would come out of this place alive?

When you reach for the lake, it clenches cold around you, but you don’t mind; you seize the empty cup from the bottom of the boat and plunge it in, and the hands that reach back to meet yours are no surprise;

   the water is black and deep and it’s been so long since someone last touched you that you shut your eyes and drink anyway. and since dead men have no duties, you allow yourself the selfishness of pretending (that these are his fingers around your wrists drawing you down and the waves that bubble in your ears are his voice calling you brother, whispering _i love you i’ve always loved you i’m here i love you i’m here_ ) and you sink into the dream and you hold it close and you sleep


End file.
